Wednesday, August 1, 2012

The Lady's bag

Small, big, 'vanity', basket-shaped, all-weird shaped, they have baffled me for years- ladies bags. I never thought so much of fashion could revolve around a single accessory. But over the years I have been witness to these things taking forms and shapes I couldn't have fathomed, before they made their appearance. More often than not beating reason and purpose for sheer looks they have been as attached to women-folk as much as their very limbs. There was a time when I used to think they were mere objects to carry things around as we men have our satchels. But I couldn't have been more wrong. There were signs of trouble early on. When they changed from hanging bags to uncomfortably hanging at elbow-level they struck a warning note. Why would anyone want to walk around with their arms sticking out at odd angles just to accomodate a bag which was previously worn happily at waist level? To appreciate the problem you will have to practise walking around with you arms sticking out as if there were bricks stuck at the arm-pit level. Now maintain this position for hours. That will give you an idea of what I am talking about. What was so valuable about these bags that they would give up the comfort of walking at ease to be seen in public with their arms sticking out a few feet from their bodies; not to mention the perennial unease of walking around looking a bit like one of those dolls that my baby cousin pulled apart.

What am I doing poking my nose into where it doesn't belong you might ask. No pun intended. Some might go further and point out that I am sacrificing my self-esteem doing this. To all of which I have the following to say. Gentlemen, not the ladies, lend me your ears 'cos who knows what I am about to say might change the course of future for us folks forever. I have been witness and so might you, when some of our women-folk have lost it all and begun to hunt for something desperately in their bags. After rummaging for ages in their bags they would proceed to shake out their contents instead. Out would fall combs, make-up accessories and what looked the entire contents of a dressing table, and what not. There have been times when I expected the dressing table to fall out as well. Now the lobby whom I have earlier mentioned would twitch their noses in disgust and would proceed to ask me if it was gentlemanly to wonder about the contents of a lady's handbag. Now correct me if I am wrong who among us if we have actually noticed this phenomenon haven't felt "how on earth did all this fit inside?". So it is not the contents per se that I am worried about Mr. and Miss so-and-so who have felt disgusted about my activities, it is how all this got inside and stayed inside rather, that has been on my mind. Those who have read Harry Potter might remember the handbag that Hermione carries around in Deathly Hallows. Where she hides an entire tent and supplies for months and what not. Ha! you thought that was a mere fairytale didn't you? What if that was for real and has been happening around us for years? It is a conspiracy gentlemen! and it has been going on under our noses for centuries and we have been too busy to notice. Imagine what a joke it must have been to ladies when they went to magic shows and the magicians pulled out a rabbit from under the hat. They must have been thinking "Pooh! is that all? I can pull out a grand piano outta my bag this very second." Honestly when I see them ladies walking around with handbags splitting at the edges, I swear I half-expect a baby elephant to poke its head out if not for a rabbit and a goat or lamb or  two.  I can see ratings for the Self plummetting on ladies charts due to this expose, but someone has to bring this to light and if I have to face slander for progress, so be it. I wonder when this started and how is it they do it. Was it prevalent in the Stone ages itself? Did cave-women carry a deer or two and their knitting needle-rocks and perhaps other paraphernalia to go with it in their leather bags? I can't fathom what it must have been that they carried. I can't and don't want to fathom what it is that they carry around these days so it will be a laugh if I try to figure out what the Stone-age ladies carried. Still a dead rabbit or two and a few deer couldn't be too misplaced can they? I wonder whether they cared about their looks in those days. I mean their modern counterparts have gone to the extent of pulling out eye-brow hair - painfully might I add, and I wonder whether the Stone-woman did care about her looks. A necklace of round rocks perhaps?, a string of shiny rocks, pearls, bones? Wonder what counted as beauty in those days. Whatever that might have been, women of all ages would have been gatherers and would have had plenty to put into bags. But it still remains blurry as to how they accomplish this task of packing so much in. It is with great peril to the life then that the Self has put together this little piece of research. For, I find it hard to believe that there hasn't been an inquisitive chap who hadn't stumbled upon this till now. Snuffed up long ago I guess.

There must be quite a price to a secret such as this. If women have gossiped around for centuries and yet managed to keep this from us I feel that it would take more than a strong will to get to the bottom of this. Some secrets take more than that and this one looks like it would take the price of blood to reveal itself. The occasional blood donation is one thing, even the frequent blood-borrowing by the Kochi-mosquito permissible, but to shovel up something so powerfully hidden might take sacrifices - literally. Till such a time gents don't doubt your eye-sight if you did see a baby-elephant taking a peek out of the bag. What it is doing there in the first place is still beyond me but he is probably poking his head out to say that it quite cramped in there with the dressing table butting into him everytime she swings the bag.